Day 60 – The Gender Gap Part V

“I’ve been bulimic for 3 years. I was crying as I went to go purge, when my little brother grabbed my hand and asked if he could read me a story. One hour later, I found myself asleep in his bed; he was laying on the ground praying for God to make me ‘happy and healthy again.’
Joshie, your love gives me hope.”
~ Anna P. Calabasas

196.2 lbs.

So far I’ve done 4 stories on the differences experienced by guys & gals when it comes to eating disorders. First there was the interview with  Liam, then how exercise works differently on men & women when it comes to weight loss, followed by a piece about men with bulimia and anorexia and finally Hollywood stereotypes.

When it’s “x% of males experience this” and “y% of females experience that”, it’s about as personal as a telephone survey; and though many of us see the results of Hollywood’s stereotypes on big and little screens (and even littler ones, what with smartphones being as much micro TVs as telephones) we can’t necessarily relate to what an actor goes through to fit the mold.

So to bring it back down to human scale, meet Sam.

When Sam was 13 he was a bit geeky. Like many kids in their awkward phase he was teased for perceived shortcomings. But as time went on, the teasing turned to bullying, and it soon took a homophobic turn.

“I was quite effeminate in my appearance and when my voice broke it was squeaky, which didn’t help.” Sam recalls. “I was quite the gay stereotype, even though at the time I thought it was a swear word. I was called names like ‘batty boy’ and ‘puffter’ on a regular basis.”

As the bullying grew worse and more kids joined in, Sam started ditching classes and hiding in the boy’s washroom to escape the abuse. “There I would ‘comfort eat’ to ease the tension and anxiety that had built up inside me throughout the day. Over time, it became a habit and evolved into me making myself sick. When I first started… I didn’t know what the word bulimia meant.” Current research shows that bullying can trigger bulimia in boys as young as seven.

The troubles extended from school to home, where Sam would binge on anything he could find. “[I'd] make myself throw up there too. The release made me feel better and became my way of coping with the bullying.”

He only realized that it was a problem after spotting a column in one of his mother’s magazines. Like many people Sam had thought of eating disorders as starving yourself, not binging and purging. Because we’re so often told eating disorders affect women Sam didn’t think men could acquire them. “I thought: ‘I’m a boy. There’s no way I am bulimic.’ It became a way to punish myself, because I began to believe that I deserved the bullying.”

Sam wasn’t binging and purging to maintain a certain look, or because he thought he was fat. For him, as with many others with an eating disorder induced by an emotional trauma,  it was entirely stress motivated. “I only had one friend in high school, but even he bullied me when the others were around”, Sam recounts. “A lot of my classmates didn’t want to associate with me in case they got picked on too. I think my mum knew that I was depressed, but she was wrapped up in her own problems, so there was no-one I could talk to.”

As the bullying worsened Sam’s school work suffered and his test scored plummeted. “The day after my exams I went to see the doctor, and confessed that I was making myself sick and the depression was becoming overwhelming.” The doctor was quite sympathetic and realized Sam was in a desperate state. He referred Sam to an emergency counseling session the next day, but because Sam was 16 his mother would have to be informed. “I didn’t want her to know, so I didn’t go. I was worried about her reaction and our relationship wasn’t great anyway.”

Instead Sam moved to supportive housing in Liverpool, but the problems continued. By this point he had left school and weighed less than 84 lbs.

He was starving himself as well, eating nothing but lean chicken and leaves for days, or chewing on food then spitting it out. “The impact of the bullying I had endured had destroyed my self esteem and confidence. Sam found himself “incredibly depressed to the point where I didn’t see the point of existing.”

At 18 Sam moved from his hometown of Liverpool to Worthington to live with his father, where his life began to finally change for the better. The turnaround wasn’t quick however. This time when he went to the doctor they weren’t sympathetic at all, telling Sam he was merely depressed – a common problem for men with eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia. Instead of receiving treatment for his eating disorder Sam was placed on Prozac and an NHS waiting list for counseling, which had an average of two years to get to the top of the list.

Luckily Sam started working with a mentor through a young adult education program who realized he needed help. She referred him to Connexions, a housing project for young people with mental health conditions, where Sam received counseling. “There was 4 other young people and staff at all times, which I met with every day. Having key workers gave me some much needed stability and support network I needed.”

He also got involved in volunteer work and healthy hobbies. “I started running a lot to relieve the tension. That encouraged me to eat more healthy, too. I also found writing a journal and poetry helped a lot. This helped me to express how I feel as previously I had bottled everything up.”

Sam was able to find a job along with his new sense of self worth. As the quality of his life improved, his bulimic episodes became less frequent. At 21 he had one isolated episode, but since then he considers himself bulimia free.

“There have been times in extreme circumstances where it’s crossed my mind, but I’ve done so many positive things with my life now that I can’t go back. For eight years the bulimia had been in control and I didn’t want it to take charge anymore.

“The situations I experienced then feel like ancient history and I’ve grown up. I’ve realized who I am, and comfortable in my own skin. I have developed new ways of coping and want to live my life and make the best of it.”

Now 24, Sam is the project leader at Men Get Eating Disorders Too, a website he founded so people who may be going through something similar will realize they’re not alone, and there is hope.