Day 98 – Refocusing The Body Image

“I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not”

~ Kurt Cobain

180.1 lbs

I popped back above 180, but the minor variance doesn’t concern me much. It’s mostly the kick in the psychological kishkas for passing an arbitrary number, when really I put on less than a pound since yesterday. The fact that I even mention it shows that it’s a good thing the starvation phase is almost over. Where dropping pounds through starvation started as a stunt to get people to see what harm it does to the human body has become my own obsession with weight. Bring on the ice cream!

Outside it’s a sunny summer day, but I don’t feel like going anywhere. The gym closed 6 minutes ago and I’m a little ticked off at myself for not going earlier, but I just didn’t feel motivated.

During recovery I plan on building back up the muscle that has atrophied (and it’s been substantial) while trying to keep the bloat from coming back on, but right now a bit more padding doesn’t seem that bad. As I type this, my computer chair is actually uncomfortable. Losing muscle and fat in certain regions just leaves boneyness.

There's such a thing as a happy medium

While much of the information in this blog is about reducing obesity and increasing activity to get in better shape, while avoiding eating disorders, there’s one important thing to keep in mind: you have to be comfortable in your own skin. Part of that is making sure you’re eating enough, but not too much, so your healthy. But part of health is making sure your mental image of yourself kinda matches your actual appearance.

A good friend of mine is incredibly intelligent and wise beyond her years; but every now and then she writes to me on Facebook saying she wants to lose 5 or 10 more lbs. When others look at her they see a lean, well shaped girl but she sees ‘puffiness’. I’m concerned about her for two reasons: she’s a recovering anorexic, and how she sees herself and how others see her don’t match.

This isn’t a crisis in her case (at least not in its present form) since she usually snaps out of it – but these kind of disconnects can keep us from being happy with ourselves. The neighbourhoods we live in (or aspire to), the cars we drive (or aspire to), and even how our body is shaped all seem to be molded by ‘keeping up with the Joneses’. But the Joneses change shape too. Even the actors who portray them. See?

I’m not going to give you some platitudes about “be happy with who you are” or “be content with what you’ve got”. That’s loser talk.

If people were happy with what they had, we’d still be using Yahoo as a search engine on monochrome screens, if we even had the internet; which we probably wouldn’t. If everyone walked around happy with who they were, there’d be no reason to better yourself. Arnold Scwarzenegger would still be a skinny guy in the Austrian army, Oprah would be some waitress in the inner city of Milwaukee, and we’d wallow in our own crapulence until death came to free us from our corpulent corpses. Yuck.

Make changes for your health – but remember that includes your mental health. If you’re overweight and start a diet or exercise routine, or if you’re recovering from anorexia and still feel the hurt of the original thing that lead you down that path and you’re tempted to regain that ‘control’, keep in mind that you didn’t end up there overnight and making changes will also take time.

In other words, don’t get discouraged! And above all else don’t flog yourself when it seems to be taking forever. Congratulate yourself on making the effort and continue. Eventually you’ll find that balance of inner and outer health you’re after.