Thin is most definitely not in…

Hi, Liam here – I’ve just been given authoring rights to this fantastic blog, so I thought I’d write an article about my experience of anorexia.

I met D’Arcy (@KarmaTiger) through Twitter after searching the term ‘manorexia’ a few months ago and stumbled across this site. I was subsequently interviewed and mentioned a few times about my disease.

So let me begin by starting this post off with the following words….. Anorexia – once it hits it never goes away. Yep. Once you contract this horrible, life-threatening disease it never leaves you. You may fight it. You may beat it. But you won’t destroy it. Ever. Sorry to be a killjoy….let me explain.

This was me in February 2009 at the height of my disorder – 6’3 and 120lbs.

When I look at this picture my heart breaks. My body is ready to give up. My eyes are dead. I was incredibly depressed, smoking 20 cigarettes a day and surviving on a few mushrooms and a few rice cakes a day.

This is me today at a very healthy 185lbs. I have muscles I never knew existed. I have bright eyes and feel alive again.

“Congratulations!” I hear you say. “Well done for beating anorexia. You look so healthy!”

Yeah, I have heard it all before.

You see, the problem with anorexia is that it goes further than just your weight. I spent so long being so sick I forgot what it was like to socialise with people. I spent years trapped in my own shell with only my own thoughts for company. I got so tired so very easily. I got so used to people looking at me like I should be 6ft under – that today I am struggling to cope.

This is what anorexia does to you. Sure I may be a healthy weight – but I still don’t know how to cope. I met a girl the other day – and for the first time in 2 years I went on a date. I can honestly say that I didn’t know what to do or say. My anorexia has messed my mind up in so many ways it’s impossible to describe the torment. I am not used to people finding me attractive. I am not used to people wanting to spend time with me. I am not used to other people’s company.

When I go to the supermarket for food – I know precisely how many calories are in things. I am not used to eating what I like, when I like.

When I go out to the pub with friends I can’t drink much as it sticks in the back of my legs because my kidneys can’t cope.

When I go to bed I wake 3 or 4 times a night to pee.

And what makes me so mad is that I did this all to myself. I nearly killed myself because I could not cope with my father running off with another woman when I was 7, the years of bullying by a nasty stepfather, my sister getting pregnant at 16, losing my girlfriend after her miscarriage, losing my house and struggling to cope in London with no friends or family. Controlling my weight was the only thing I have left.

I may have fought it. I may have beaten it. But anorexia is still very much a part of me.